I know it’s been a while since I checked in…Been crazy busy with lots of fun things.  I’ve been working at NBC in Philadelphia a lot and will be showing the videos I’ve made with them soon on my website! Stay tuned for that. Lots of funny stuff!!

And if you really miss me you can check me out this summer on NJ 101.5 from 10am – 2pm filling in for Michelle Polenza during her maternity leave. I start June 7th at 10am.

Thanks so much to everyone that came out and enjoyed the Mother’s Day show!  Many thanks to our Sponsors/Vendors and all my friends who helped out.  Check out this video of the event to see all the fun!!

Tucking the girls into bed should be a warm, loving mommy experience…that is, until the little brats ruin it!

I was tucking my daughter, Brooke, into bed when her sister, Jacqueline breaks out into mad laughter. I love a good laugh so I ask her “What’s so funny?”.

She replies “Your arms… they jiggle so much”. At which point Brooke (laughing hysterically) chimes in with “They do. They jiggle like your butt jiggles.”

WHAT!!???

My first thought is “Why are you looking at my butt?” until I realize when standing upright that’s really all they see.

My second thought is “Does it jiggle that much?” and then I realize that means that not only do I have arm jiggle but it’s reaching levels of ass-jiggle. I have ASS-JIGGLE arms!!!

No one should have to endure this kind of torment.  My only solace is knowing that in 30-some years they, too, will have ass-jiggle arms. I’ll be pooping my pants in a nursing home but guess who’ll be laughing then!!

I love watching my 11 year old niece growing up.  Maybe because it brings back so many memories about my own adolescence and puberty.  Her stories, however, always seem so much more interesting.

Like last week, while trying to shave her legs with her new electric razor she had an itch on her face.  Without thinking she takes the hand she was using to shave her legs and scratches her face.  As she scratches the itch the electric razor goes to town and shaves off one of her eyebrows.  Yep, clear gone.

We all learn lessons about our bodies during puberty…and some of us learn about circular blades as well.

Becoming a woman is about shaving off un-wanted hair when your 11 and sixty-years later learning to draw it back in on your eyebrows. Unfortunately, she’s learning these lessons all at the same time.

I remember when people said that to me. “You can’t have 3 kids, you look so young!” they would say. What a wonderful thing to say! I would immediately think about how young I must look to people. I reveled in how much my body had bounced back from my first baby..and then my second. I swore I would never have “mom butt” and that no one would ever be able to pick me out of a crowd as the person most likely to drive a mini-van.

But then it happened…I realized the other day that no one has said that to me in ages!! It’s literally been years. At some point, I must have crossed over. Now, I DO look like I have 3 kids. Probably more like I have eight.

No one tells me how I do “such a good job keeping it together” – probably because I really don’t. I imagine it’s my comfy sweatshirt or my New Balance Sneakers. Maybe it’s how I brag about my house being “dog-hair tumbleweed free”(because I vacuumed.) Perhaps, reciting every episode of “Wife Swap” ever broadcast is not what “the kids” are doing these day.

Who cares I say! I probably was “too young to have that many kids”. I’m still hoping that one day..when it’s really dark out and I’m standing far away, someone will yell across the dollar store parking lot “you’re too young to have that many kids” and I’ll be 26 all over again!

I had one of those “I’m a horrible mom” moments on Saturday night.  I was up late trying to figure out Quickbooks, which I’m pretty sure is the devils work, and I’m drunk.  That’s the only way I can look at my finances…drunk. It somehow makes the income numbers seem bigger the the debt smaller.

I realize how late it is around 2:30 am and that I have to get my Easter “presents” out for the kids. I always buy them “candy from mommy” in addition to the candy from the Easter Bunny.  So, it’s somewhere around 2:30 am when I realize …I have no idea where I put the candy. Yep, I had prepared well in advance for this day and had hidden the candy in a great spot. And now, it’s 2:30 am, I’m drunk and I have no idea where I put the candy. So, it was at that moment  I realize that “I” now have to go on an Easter egg hunt for this candy. Yep…me…drunk,  falling down, and cursing having my own hellish candy hunt. It  took me about 40 minutes to find it. I was so afraid that if I didn’t find my candy and the Easter Bunny didn’t come the kids might not get anything… AND I was too drunk to even run to the store and get them peeps. Not even peeps!!!

It was a wake up call, my friends!  I feel like we can all learn a lesson here. It was either “Don’t drink on Easter Eve” or “Always keep peeps in your house”. I’m note sure which yet, but frankly they are both sound advice.

I actually uttered those words out loud.”Leave me and my crack alone” is a direct quote. Not one of the finest uses of the English language but I got my point across.

Why is it that we can figure out how to put a man on the moon but no one can make a pair of jeans for moms that doesn’t look like “mom jeans” from a saturday night live sketch and isn’t riding so low on my butt that my crack  sees more sun than the rest of my body sees all summer?

I don’t want to scare young children. I don’t want to look like that lawn ornament that weird people put in their front lawns of an old lady bending over to tend to her plants. If I’m going to show my assets I want it to be in a club, while I’m drinking and prepared for tawdry comments not while I’m vacuuming out my car and people are driving by wondering how the crack mom has managed to keep her kids.

The way I see it, the only chance moms have of getting great fitting jeans is if Mac comes out with the i-jean.  Mac has been able to revolutionize the tech world. Why can’t they take on something simple like nice fitting jeans?  I’m sure the i-jean will cost a fortune and I’d have to camp out at Best Buy for days to get one but it would be worth it!

I’ve recently found that some of the best days of the month are when I have appointments….not salon appointments or lunch dates…..doctor’s appointments.

I love them.

Years ago, the idea of sitting for thirty-five minutes in a waiting room would annoy me. Now, if I position myself just right, and if there is an armchair in the room, I can easily catch a nap.  (Not a long one because I wake up as soon as my head does that final drop…. as if my neck is saying, “I give up and I can no longer hold up the head of an unconscious person.”)

But I’m okay with that because I know that a comfy chair is in my future.  You know….dental chair, gynecologist chair, ophthalmologist chair……..

You probably never noticed the chair in your eye doctor’s room.  They are all cushioned up from luxurious footrest to glorious headrest.   And don’t get me started on that gynecologist bed!  Yup……..that room is dreamy to me.  Sure, it’s uncomfortable at times but frankly, sitting in that chair is sometimes the first time my ass has been on solid ground all day or all week.

Last week, my eyes needed to be dilated. The nurse said, “This will take a few minutes.”  I casually replied, “Take your time.”  (To me, that’s the best news I’ve heard all day.) I followed up with,  “Go. See other patients.  Forget about me. You can put those drops in my eyes over and over again. If I don’t wake up while you’re doing it just move my lids up and squeeze.”

Nothing bothers me now.  I take the sleep when I can get it.

Two weeks ago I had two cavities filled and don’t remember a thing.  Next week is my annual pelvic exam.  I can’t wait!  While the other patients gaze nervously around the exam room, I’ll happily glide into that chair and exclaim, “ Take your time. Look around if you need to. I’ve got all the time in the world.”

This is my Valentines card from Jim. Got to love a funny guy!  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Why does it seem like when I go away for a week it takes me two weeks to catch up? My calendar still says “January” and it will until next year because no one in my house knows how to flip the page to February.   Apparently that’s a “mom” job.

Jimmy did a great job while I was gone though. He never complains and he did wash all the clothes so I can’t complain.  Luckily for me, he left the folding for me so during this weekend’s snow storm I’ll be up in my room relaxing, catching up on” Heroes” and folding EVERY freaking piece of laundry in the house.  Ahhh, relaxation. Somehow snow days just don’t seem the same to me as they did when I was a kid.

It’s been a good week though.  My clip from Miss America was seen on TMZ, Jimmy Kimmel, CNN, and Mike and Mike in the Morning (ESPN).  Check out my latest clips from NBC 10. On Wednesday’s show, I was learning how to be a car show presenter and on Thursday I was in search of the best “Mom Car“.

Also, Hybrid Mom Magazine just posted an article I had written for them a while back called “The Top 5 Misconceptions of Motherhood“.

Enjoy your weekend. I will be. Just me, Hiro Nakamora and ten baskets of clothes….a mother’s dream.

Thanks to the Miss America Pageant and Rush Limbaugh you have seen my face on TMZ, TMZ.com and The Jimmy Kimmel Show this week. Here is how it went down…

On the final preliminary night for Miss America I had the idea to have the judges compete for the title of “Best Judge”. I have no good reason except for the fact that I think they look bored a lot and it seemed like a fun idea. So, they compete in interview early in the show and at the end I decided that it would be fun to have them dance. Frankly, I just wanted to see Rush dance but I didn’t think he would without everyone else doing it. SO….Somehow I get Rush Limbaugh to dance the “jersey shore fist pump” dance to Lady Gaga’s “Pokerface” song. It’s pure genius!! You can see me in the clip just screaming a bunch of nonsense because I honestly couldn’t believe he was doing it!

Rush Limbaugh dancing to Lady Gaga\'s \"Pokerface\"

He was a great sport about it and in the end he ended up taking home the title of “Mr New Jersey”. I wanted to give him a trophy so I picked out a Las Vegas mug. Unfortunately, they don’t make mugs that say “Rush” so I told him the closest I could find was one that said “Roy”. He seemed to like it.

Since last Thursday Rush has talked about that night 2 days on his show. Here is a transcript from one of Rush’s show:

“Finally, on Thursday night, Dena Blizzard — who was hilarious — she’s a comedian from New Jersey, was the host of the show on Thursday night. That was not televised, the last night of the preliminaries. She’s just outrageously funny, and she said, “We’re going to do a thing with you judges. We’re going to judge the judges,” and because of my hearing she gave me a little heads-up about what was coming. The other judges didn’t quite know. She said, “It’s going to be a dance thing, that’s all I’m going to tell you.” So we get out there and this is how she described it — and that dance video on YouTube that we’ve put it up at RushLimbaugh.com. That dance video has taken off. The libs are so ticked off about that, that I had fun, that there was no controversy. They are just ticked as hell.

Last night, Jimmy Kimmel talked about the clip and TMZ has been running it as well. What a great week…..
Now, back to the laundry.